Sorry (to myself and no one else because you aren’t reading this) for not updating more often. A lot has been going on!

Armageddon

I went to Armageddon Wellington! It was great fun, I spent good time with some people I knew and saw tons and tons of super inspiring and genuinely well-crafted and good cosplay. I bought some things: A giant My Melody plush, a My Melody wall print (it’s like one that changes what image it shows based on the angle you look at it, weird but I thought it was cool), a sticker book, washi tape, and yeah I think that’s it. It cost a lot, and I kind of wish I bought just a small My Melody plush instead of a giant one, but aside from that I don’t regret buying any of it, especially the framed wall print (my walls are too bare).

Feminine Awakening

I’ve kind of had a bit of a feminine awakening. Or, more accurately, a hyper-feminine awakening, if you will. I’m now kinda obsessed with all things feminine. I hesitate to say things that are feminine or girly, because the terms have become so divisive lately. What stops girls from wanting traditionally masculine things? Why are these pink things called feminine at all? It’s an oppressive term that perpetuates sexist ideals, on both male and female sides. But, I have no better term to describe my obsession so we must press on with what we have, I just hope that this is enough to acknowledge the damaging ideals it creates.

Anyway, I now want everything to be pink as all hell. I want to use kaomoji more, I want to present myself like a loli (or perhaps chibi as a term would set people off less), I want to generally become more.. that way, if you know what I mean. Take a look at my Pinterest boards, for examples. I want my living space to look like my “Goals” board, I want to present myself like my “Hyper-Femininity” board or my “Pastel Aesthetic / Harajuku Decora Kei” board.

You might say “Well why don’t you? Nothings stopping you.” First off, fuck you for being so ignorant, which is harsh because ignorance should not be blamed, but I still feel like saying it. I’m 115 kilos and to everyone on this planet if they were to guess my sex if would be male, without doubt. I cannot present myself this way because my dignity won’t allow it. I do my absolute best to hide my weight and present as feminine as possible with the pinkest of clothes and the longest of hair, but it isn’t enough. I fear that the estrogen won’t be enough either. I pray everyday I lose more weight, it’s become such a burden (pardon the pun). I have a girl voice but I’m too self-conscious to use it, and the few times I have used I get funny looks because that’s not how someone that looks like me is meant to sound.

The other reason is, of course, money. Clothes cost a LOT, decoration costs a lot. I can’t afford that shit. I don’t have a job and I need to save as much money as I physically can until I can get one hopefully next year or the year after. I’ve started a small list of things I would get if I had the money.

I’m sort of totally banking my happiness on those two things: money, my body changing. Primarily my body changing, and within that, primarily weight loss. Every time I see I’ve lost another kilo I feel better than anything else in the world has done.

Projects Update

I’ve done quite a lot these past few weeks. I’ve developed what I think my character is going to look like as a 3Dtuber, I’ve also riced Nyarch Linux. Right now I’m working on a website redesign for my main website over at boopenthusiast.com. I’m sure I’ve done more things but I only remember those because I’ve been doing them as part of an assignment about experimenting in our area of interests.

Oh, also I’ve worked a lot on a game made in Unreal with my friend John. Here’s the link to his site which I’m sure will have our game (Rapid Stealth) up soon (in the next couple months at most) (it’s not up there yet).