A couple shit BPD things

I’m doing something I’ve been meaning to do for a long while. That’s researching more about how BPD is affecting me. Turns out I do a lot of negative things that are actively harming me without even realising because I’ve trained it into myself for so long without knowing I had BPD.

For example, my ego is fragile. That’s something I’ve been telling myself all afternoon after I made a recent revelation about myself. However, the BPD is what’s causing both the fragile ego and the constant stabbing at myself for that fault. My conclusion that I came up with is as such: shut your fucking mouth. That’s my solution to a lot of problems. However, that’s not me. I’m not someone to shut up, if I’m shut up I’m hating myself and looking introspectively about how shit I am or how I hate being there or yelling at myself for thinking those things.

One thing I don’t get that’s common for people with BPD is a fear of abandonment. I’m not afraid people will leave me. Instead, I’m realistically pessimistic about relationships. I can tell when something isn’t going to work out, but I don’t care. I can tell when I no longer like someone, but I pretend to like them for them anyway. If I don’t like someone I just met, I’ll tell them right away, though. I don’t know where my fear of abandonment is.

I think… I think everything I’ve written is shit. I need to do more research. I need to talk to the peer support person about this. The main thing I know is that my inner-self isn’t normal. I don’t experience emotions the way you do, I don’t have a self-image like you do.