TTRPG Game checkup

Today I had a TTRPG game again, not the therapy-continuation one, and I just want to vent. That’s what this blog is for, after all! I don’t normally vent but I was going to write up what I was feeling to the DM and then never actually send the message, just have it there. I would’ve just taken it in stride by the next session and acted like this thing that affected me deeply never happened.

Anyway, so there’s a relatively new member to our group. He had a little story-relevant plot to him. This is the first serious story-beat that was about a single person. I guess you could say that one of our members being promoted was a story-beat, but it didn’t feel like it was just about them. This session felt like it was entirely focused around that new member. No one else has had that, I feel bitter that the new member got to have that before anyone else. He seems really, really happy with it, and I can’t blame him one bit. I just wish the love was spread around more.

Not only that, but near the beginning of a somewhat serious conversation between him and one of the NPCs relevant to only him, I tried to contribute. Immediately, I was pulled back from it, and then my contribution to the conversation was completely ignore. Before this, as I tried to orient myself in the scene, I was completely ignore as well. I felt like shit and had an ‘autism shutdown’, as I like to call them. Where you just go completely silent and all your thoughts swirl around in your head. Eventually, I just got up and made food. I kept planning on bringing up my issues with the group but when I eventually said I felt unwelcome I was over-spoken by someone else and I didn’t have the courage to bring it up again.

Now I’m stuck going back to a shitty lecture recording from my second most hated lecturer. I just feel awful, and the only way I can tell that I feel awful is from observing myself having an autism shutdown. Not feeling your feelings is a curse, and now I’m tearing up, great.